Hi there, guys and dolls! Want some advice? Yeah, I didn’t think so. That’s okay, I’ll dole it out anyway. After all, there are two fine ladies who do and maybe you will benefit from my half-wit wisdom after all. No need to thank me, just doing my bit for humanity. And as a message from my two modern real life alter egos Andrea and Heather, stay the *bleep* home for goodness sake and look after each other!

Anyhoo, on with the help.

Dear Barbara Jean,

My mother-in-law bought me the most hideous hat for Easter. The gol-darned thing is made of straw and huge gaudy flowers, even has a spot to put a live animal in it. (I’m not joking. I think she hates me.) She has said that she can’t wait to see me in it on the holiday weekend, all weekend, all Easter. What’s a good daughter-in-law to do?

Appalled Abigail in Arizona

Dear Abigail,

Hmm, in-law relations are a very tricky thing. She may very well hate you (taking away your son from her and all), or she might really be thinking she’s doing something nice for you and just has horrible taste (that hat sounds, um, well, bad). You say it has a spot for a live animal? Well, why not get the chicken, rabbit, goat, whatever you are supposed to wear in it early and leave it alone with that animal for a minute or two. It’s bound to eat or destroy it (I wouldn’t worry about it getting ill, pets get into stuff like that all the time, it’s fiber for them) in record time. Then get yourself something cute and natty – something like a pillbox with a veil, pink or purple pastel, very Eastery and with no room for a critter. Then when you see her, you can explain how this happened all of a sudden and if she’s nice about it, let it go. If she gets pouty and bratty, then give her the chicken, rabbit , goat, whatever as her present for Easter.

Solving your holiday problems, Barbara Jean

Dear Barbara Jean,

My neighbor is this old geezer who always has to comment over our fence whenever I’m out in the yard. He makes these suggestive jokes and leers at me and I don’t like it. It gives me the willies. I told my husband and he doesn’t take it seriously. He laughs it off and tells me I should be flattered. I think the man is just lonely, I don’t think he means anything harmful, but I still don’t like it.

Perturbed Patty in Pittsburg

Dear Patty,

Oh, I know the type. Don’t those “funny guys” get your goat (see letter above, goats seem to be a theme this week…)? And no, he probably doesn’t mean any harm, but they are annoying. I hate when I have to do that “get along smile and nod” just to keep peace in the neighborhood. How about this? The next time the old timer leers, play it up strong, go up to him, touch his collar, play his bluff and see what he does. Chances are he’ll get all flustered and back down, never to bother you again. Then again, if he gets worse, you’re close enough to give him a good swift knee to the you know where and that’ll move him up an octave and out of his range. Either way he’ll be fixed.

Enjoy playing in your own backyard, Barbara Jean

Keep your letters coming! I love to help or hinder any way I can.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more posts. And don’t forget to give my Poppy Cove Mysteries a try if you haven’t already.

Toodles, Barbara Jean